raspberryhunter

Last in my series of fic (except for one small one-shot coming at the end of the month), trying to make Belle and Rumpelstiltskin's relationship a little less full of horrifying fail in regards to power disparity, the fact that in canon they never communicate, the hundreds-of-years age difference (at least Rumpel is not stalking her at high school), etc. I CANNOT HELP MYSELF. CLEARLY. And I've probably introduced just as many issues of my own, but oh well. (And now completely jossed, with "The Return" and its revelation that it's supposed to be full of horrifying fail, but whatever.)

I PROMISE, on or near April 30/May 1, three fics that aren't OUAT (and one that is, fine).

Title:Being Human
Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Mentions of character death in Ch 3, nothing explicit
Pairing: Belle/Rumpelstiltskin; Belle/Other, Ruby/August, Emma/Regina
Comments: Third in the series beginning with "Human Again" and continued in "Becoming Human." AU for all events in "Skin Deep" and forward in the Enchanted Forest/Earth chronology. Spoilers up to, let's say, 1x18, "Stable Boy"; major spoilers for "Red-Handed." Non-compliant with "The Return," because I wrote the outline before that aired.
Summary: The curse is broken. Belle tries to figure out her life, as do the rest of the Storybrooke inhabitants.

Inspired by a review I once read of Disney's Beauty and the Beast that went something like, "If Belle were really a strong heroine, she would have patted the Beast on the head and told him to look her up once she got done with university." (Alas, I am unable to find the citation.)

AO3 link here.

Chapter 1: Aftermaths
And Emma seized the sword from Gold and drove it straight into the middle of the black miasma that pulsated on the floor. The sword imploded into the darkness; the darkness exploded outward, with a sound like glass breaking, leaving clear daylight in its wake.

And as the curse shattered and splintered around the assembled Storybrooke citizens, Rose -- not Rose, but Belle -- no, not Belle, but both Belle and Rose -- clutched her head and sank to the ground. "No," she said. "No, no, no." Around her, she could dimly see many of the other Storybrooke denizens reacting in different ways. David -- Prince Charming, she remembered -- was also crouched down, weeping, holding Mary Margaret's hands. Snow's hands. Belle thought she might go mad. Leroy -- Dreamy, Belle remembered -- had a light breaking over his face as he held out his hands to Astrid, whose other name Belle didn't know. Mr. Gold -- Rumpelstiltskin, oh! -- was perfectly bland as he helped Emma to restrain Regina, who looked as if she would have liked to kill both of them.

Ruby -- Red -- beside her gasped and clutched at Granny, who seemed thoughtful, as if she suddenly had the answer to seventeen different riddles. Belle turned to her friend.

"Ruby," she said. "Red. I can't, I can't even tell you -- I'm sorry, Ruby -- "

Ruby said to her, "I forgot him, Rose. Belle. I swore I would never forget what I did to him, and I did. Who am I, Belle?"

"You're Red from the Enchanted Forest, whom I have only met once," Belle said miserably. "And Ruby from Storybrooke, who is my best friend. You're both. And I'm Belle, and Rose."

Gold said, his voiced pitched to carry through the crowd, "Everyone remembers now, your Majesty. But the magic is gone." And now Belle remembered that this was to be the case, that Gold would never change back into the impish Rumpeltstiltskin she remembered, that the Queen would never be able to kill with magic again.

Belle pushed her way through the crowd to him. "Rumpeltstiltskin! You knew all the time," Belle shouted at him, accusingly. "You knew, and you let me make a fool of myself with you, and --"

He recoiled as if she had struck him. On his other side, Snow, followed by Charming, was making her determined way to Emma. "Emma," she said. "Emma, my sweet daughter. Oh, Emma." She hugged Emma, whose eyes had filled with tears. "Oh, my darling," Snow said. "Oh, my sweet girl."

Meanwhile, Regina had almost torn loose from Gold, who had clamped onto her wrist. Belle moved swiftly to help Gold hold her. Snow's eyes fell on them. "Regina," Snow said. "You did this. You did all of this. You deprived me of my daughter." She hauled back and punched Regina in the face, and in an instant the two were a flurry of fists.

"Whoa," Emma said, and she and Gold together pulled Snow off of Regina. Snow was not being cooperative, and neither was Regina. Belle and Charming held Regina, who kept trying to hit Snow back.

"She must die," Snow said. The mass of townspeople behind them muttered assent.

"Not at your hand," Charming said sharply to her.

"No," Belle said, without thinking. "Whatever you do to her, you must do to me."

"You're mad," Mary Margaret -- Snow -- yelled. "This woman enslaved us all for nearly thirty years, took my daughter from me, and you think that she's going to get away with that?"

Leroy shouldered his way up to stand next to Snow. "She killed Graham," Leroy said. "Not to mention countless others in the Enchanted Forest. She deserves to die."

Belle faced her. "I'm not saying she hasn't done terrible things, Mary Margaret. Snow. Leroy. Dreamy. But so have I. I made a lot of this curse, Snow. I made it with Rumplestiltskin, and we gave it to the Queen. We had good intentions -- magic is now destroyed; no one will ever be able to be a Queen or a Dark One, to wield that kind of power again -- but. But. I also bear responsibility. I also was the reason you did not have your daughter." I tried, she wanted to say. I tried to give your daughter the best life she could have, without you. But she knew it would not be enough. "If you kill her, you must kill me as well."

Emma said beside her, unexpectedly, her voice choked with emotion, "She's right about not killing her. I can't tell you how angry I am at her -- I would have done anything to have had you, Mary Margaret, all these years, anything -- but, but. I don't know what you people do in the Enchanted Wastelands or wherever you came from, but Maine doesn't have a death penalty, and as Sheriff I'm not about to let you lynch anyone. The crimes I can charge her with -- that I have proof of -- extortion, bribery, fraud, tax evasion -- are quite enough to lock her up for the rest of her natural life. Think about it. Never to leave confinement. Stripped of all power. Able to watch all the happy endings she thought she had denied everyone else."

"How do we know she'll comply? " Leroy asked.

Emma said loudly enough for everyone to hear, "I'll accept responsibility for her."

The townspeople quieted. Emma was the hero of the hour, after all, and they couldn't very well deny her this, not when she had just broken the curse. Except for Snow, who gave Emma a long, challenging look. Emma raised her head and stared back.

And Henry, who had quietly come up beside Emma, said to Snow, "Grandmother. She is still my adopted mother." Snow blinked at him. And gave Emma and Henry a tiny nod. And took Emma's hand with one of hers, and Henry's with the other.

Regina snarled at Emma, "Better you had killed me. Do you really think you can keep me here?"

Emma said quietly, but loud enough that Belle could hear, "You heard Mr. Gold and Rose, Madame ex-Mayor. There's no more magic now. You pull any more shenanigans, you will be prosecuted for them. Under the rules of this world. You escape, and I'll find you. I will always find you."

*

Belle knocked at Mr. Gold's door. Although she now thought of herself as Belle, it was hard to think of him as anything but Gold, when he still looked like Gold and not like the Rumpelstiltskin she remembered.

There was no response, but the door was slightly ajar, and she stepped in. She heard Emma's voice.

"Now, you, Mr. Gold," Emma was saying, "have covered your steps rather better than our former Mayor. You appear to have all your certifications and licenses in place, and you've paid your taxes in full every year. I'm sure I should be charging you with something, but there's precious little I can dig up on you."

"My dear Sheriff," Gold murmured, "I do try to be a law-abiding citizen."

Belle peeked around the corner and saw them at Gold's kitchen table. Emma was sprawled across a chair, looking at Gold, who was sitting straight-backed and prim in another.

"Yes," Emma said, looking at Gold steadily, "I understand you're a big fan of laws, and contracts, and deals. Now, I did find one thing that was a little bit... suspicious. Henry. His adoption. Not, perhaps, completely above-board."

Belle saw Gold's twitch. Emma saw it too. "Yep," Emma said, smiling grimly. "That's what I thought. Now... I think we both understand that it's better for everyone, particularly Henry, if we don't inquire too heavily into the circumstances of his adoption. He's been through enough with Regina."

Gold raised his eyebrows. "And you'd like to make a deal, I presume."

"You presume correctly." Emma leaned forward, suddenly intent. "You stay here in Storybrooke for the next five years, where I can keep an eye on you. Until I'm satisfied that you aren't going to harm anyone else. And I won't press charges."

"I give my word that I do not intend, now or ever, to harm a citizen of Storybrooke again," Gold said.

Emma narrowed her eyes. "Pretty good. I believe you. More than I believe Regina, anyway. But I still want you to stick around for a while."

"Is this my version of house arrest?" Gold asked.

Emma shrugged. "If you like." She continued watching him.

Gold said, "Yes. All right. I accept."

Emma smiled at him. "Excellent." She said over her shoulder, "You can come in now, Rose. Um. Belle. Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get used to the names."

Gold looked a bit startled as Belle stepped into the room. "Well," he said. "Belle, now you know what my fate will be, for the time being, at least. And what did you come here to say?"

Emma glanced from Gold to Belle and back again. "I'll just be leaving," she said, and did so.

"I--" Belle started. Stopped. Started again. "I'm sorry for what I said before, by the way. I know you tried your hardest to protect me, without compromising your position here."

Gold closed his eyes and opened them again. "You need not apologize, Belle. I deserve it all, and then some, I imagine."

"And so do I," Belle said. "That's part of it. I'm... twenty-eight years older than I thought I was. I helped commit an enormous offense against all the people I've ever known, and many I know now that I didn't before. I need to figure out what I think about that. I need to figure out who I am. I think I've got to go away for a while, by myself, to straighten myself out. I... I suppose it's not exactly happily ever after, but it's what I need."

He smiled at her, sadly, and Belle was struck by how few smiles she had seen from him, either as Rumplestiltskin or as Mr. Gold. "You're clever enough, dear, to know that there is no such thing as happily ever after, or unhappily ever after. There's life, which is much too marvelous and complex for that."

"I think," Belle said carefully, "that I'd better go find that out."

"Yes," Gold agreed. "I rather thought you might say that."

*

Belle filled out the paperwork to transfer to Blackstock College, a very highly regarded small school, for the last two years of her college career. She was fairly sure that Gold had to pull some strings to make that happen, as Rose's grades were none too good at Storybrooke College, but they both agreed that Belle, herself, would have no problems.

"Come with me," she said to Ruby, who had steadfastly kept her Storybrooke name and refused to answer to Red, except sometimes with Snow. "I bet you could get in easily. You're my best friend, I want you there." And as she said this, she found herself wondering: how much of that friendship was false? How much of it was the curse, how much of it would dissipate and be lost with the curse?

Ruby glanced at August, who had become a new staple in the diner. "I don't know," Ruby said softly. "I've got the feeling there's a lot of adventure to be had right here."

Gaston scowled when she told him. "I don't see what's wrong with staying right here," he said. In fact, it was true that most people had elected to stay in Storybrooke, that being the life they knew. A couple of people -- Jefferson and Grace, Snow and James -- had gone back to the no-longer-enchanted Forest, the pathway between the worlds the only magic that now remained in either world. Only a few had left both Storybrooke and the Forest entirely, Belle's own father among them.

Belle sighed, kissed him on the cheek. She knew that she would never understand him and that he would never understand her. Suddenly, for the first time, that was okay. "Let's part as friends, shall we?"

Gaston drew his eyebrows together, but nodded, and gave her a hug.

She went to see Gold right before she left. She stood there, not knowing what to say. Gold sighed. "I can't say I'm happy to see you go," he said roughly.

"I know," she said, looking at her hands. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

And yet she still could not leave; it was as if there were a spell keeping her rooted to the spot, though of course this could not be the case. This man, whom she had loved through two worlds despite everything, who had waited for her for twenty-eight years-- And as she thought this, he leaned towards her and kissed her, very gently, on the mouth. "What's happening?" Belle murmured, half pulling away, half falling into the kiss.

"That was true love's kiss," Gold said quietly. "Let that break the curse; let that break any hold you may believe I have over you, my dear."

She nodded, mutely, full of conflicting emotions. But at last she could turn away.

Chapter 2: Finding
Belle settles into a routine of classes and extracurriculars at Blackstock College, punctuated by regular long letters from Gold, written in beautiful copperplate handwriting on elegant cream-colored paper, and irregular letters from Ruby written on ordinary typing paper (and once hastily scribbled on an old invoice; Belle laughs) with red pen. She does not go back to Storybrooke for holidays or for any other reason. Her father has left Storybrooke for good, and during school breaks she visits him and his new wife, a very nice woman who has nothing whatsoever to do with any enchantments, where they've settled in Philadelphia.

Belle writes Ruby long chatty letters about her chemistry classes, Blackstock's Gilbert and Sullivan production of Pirates of Penzance that Belle is in, and the cute boy who's playing Frederick. Ruby writes her back: Pictures, Belle! I need pictures! Speaking of which, I've enclosed pictures of the crisis we had the other night at the diner. Don't show them to Granny. She doesn't know; she left it to me for the evening while she did some paperwork. I cleaned it all up and she doesn't suspect a thing.

Belle smiles as she folds away the letter. It seems that Granny is giving Ruby more and more responsibility, crises or no, and that makes Belle happy for her friend.

Belle's letters to Gold tend to be shorter, stiffer, and more technical, and they omit discussion of cute boys entirely. She tells him about the protein folding research she's trying to wrap her brain around, and he sometimes replies with ideas and thoughts (apparently Gold also knows a little about chemistry; he must have gotten bored in the last twenty-eight years). She asks him about the parallels she's finding between chemistry and the magic she learned from him, years ago, and he answers with speculations of his own. He also tells her chatty gossip as regards the doings of Storybrooke, mentioning that Regina has been trying to sneak out of her mandated therapy sessions and that Emma finally had to lock her up for a night for violating her arrest restrictions, and wasn't Regina spitting nails when she came out, but she certainly didn't try that again; or that Dr. Hopper has been so busy lately that he's had to bring in a partner from outside Storybrooke to deal with the sudden uptick in demand.

He does not say anything personal about himself in the letters. He signs every one, Love, Gold.

*

Snow and James came to visit for the first time with the twins, Ruby writes. Oh Belle, when are you coming home so you can meet them? They're tremendously cute. So tiny, though! August is really good with them. He and James volunteered to babysit them and Henry and Ella's Alexandra -- can you believe she's talking in sentences now? -- last night so Snow and Emma and Ella and I could go out, just like the old days, only you weren't there with us. It's true Ella doesn't talk about anything else but Alexandra these days -- Emma and I were totally rolling our eyes -- but Snow had some really interesting stories about going out in the woods and getting the drop on some highwaymen who were terrorizing the road. Maybe I'll go back to the Forest one of these days with her next time she has to do something like that, if I'm not so busy with the diner. Ha. At this rate, it'll be when I have a daughter of my own and leave the whole thing to her.

Oh, speaking of Emma, Gold and Emma went on a date last week in the diner. It was really weird. I was watching the whole time because it was so strange. He pulled out her chair for her, and Emma looked at him like, what planet are you from? Do you think they're in love? They definitely didn't look like they were in love. They didn't kiss or hold hands or anything. Snow found out last night and she was having a fit. It must be hard having a kid who grows up and dates someone you don't like. I'm starting to understand Granny now for the first time, although at least she does like August.

Gold mentions Snow and James' visit in his letter as well. His only mention of Emma is of talking to her about taking on the responsibility of looking after Regina's house arrest situation. It will also save our good Sheriff the trouble of having to figure out the relevant laws every time Regina comes up with a new flawed legal strategy to try to counter it, he writes. Belle tries to figure out what she thinks about this. Mostly, she decides, she's surprised that Emma has such poor taste. She pushes down the feeling that Emma has no right to do this, telling herself that she doesn't have any claim on Gold, that she gave that up when she left Storybrooke, that they had no understanding between them.

Gold and Emma went on another date, Ruby writes. I made up an excuse to be moving boxes around in the parking lot to eavesdrop when they went out the door. I know that was lame, I wouldn't ordinarily do it, but still! Gold! And Emma! You would have done it too, Belle. It was awesome. Emma said, 'Thank you for another nice evening,' and Gold said, 'No, thank you, dear,' and then they kissed. Really! And then -- get this -- they both burst out laughing. Gold said, 'Well, that was a lovely experiment, dear, but I suppose we won't be doing this again,' and Emma said, 'Yeah, I think you're right,' and they left.

Belle can hear Gold's voice and Emma's voice in her head, saying the words Ruby's written. She doesn't know how she feels about this. Instead of thinking about it, she writes down the time evolution of a set of electrons and labels it with what she thinks might be the magic equivalent, and sends it to Gold. She does, at the last minute, add a line asking him what he thinks of Emma.

He replies with an analysis of linear algebra as an analogue of a particular magical notation. At the end of the letter he says, In answer to your other question, I like Emma very much, though that is hardly a recipe for true love.

*

Belle graduates summa cum laude. Gold sends his regrets -- he must still stay in Storybrooke--but Ruby and Emma fly out to Blackstock to cheer her on. After the graduation ceremony, they all go out for dinner.

"How's everyone?" Belle asks. "How are Henry and Snow and James, Emma?"

"Henry's awesome," Emma says promptly. "He'll be in high school this fall, can you believe it? I feel old. He loves the twins. Snow and James have their hands full with them, let me tell you. We don't see them as much, now that they aren't constantly coming from the Forest to see Henry and me. Snow told me that now she's way more okay with not having to raise me as a baby." Emma laughs.

"And the Queen -- er --"

"Oh, God, Regina. Still a handful. She's still trying even now to get out of therapy, even though if half of what she's let slip to me is true, she's got mommy issues like no one's business. She's also still trying to figure out a way to get out of house arrest. I keep trying to tell her that if anyone scrutinizes it too closely, they'll clap her in a federal prison instead of the cushy situation she's in now, but she doesn't listen. Gold's in charge of her legally now, by the way; he's got the patience and the legal knowledge to call her on all of her crap, and I just -- I got tired of being in a position of authority over her."

"Yes, Gold wrote me that," Belle says, without thinking.

"Ah," Emma says, looking at her sidelong, "so I don't need to update you on him, then."

Belle shrugs, elaborately casual. "We mostly talk about chemistry in our letters," she says. "I don't know how he's doing personally. Is he doing well? Is he seeing anyone?"

Both women are looking at her keenly. Belle tries to look uninterested. "I see him in the diner sometimes," Ruby volunteers. "He seems like he's doing fine."

"And, um," Emma says, playing with her pasta, "we might have gone on a date or two. Just, you know. As an experiment. It really didn't work out. I, um, don't think we're each other's types. As far as I know, he hasn't been seeing anyone since then."

"Come home to visit," Ruby wheedles. "You can see him, see everyone."

"Not yet," Belle says. "Maybe someday."

*

After college, she works at a pharmeceutical company outside Boston for a year. She meets a friend of a co-worker, John Crichton, who has just started his Ph.D. in cosmology and astrophysics at MIT. He is extremely intelligent, but more than that, he is sweet and optimistic. He does not sulk; when he's wrong, he admits it candidly. This, to Belle, is a revelation. She falls for him, shatteringly. After debating in her head for a while, she slips it into her letter to Gold, in between telling him about decentralized protein folding algorithms and asking whether he thinks she should try out for a community musical.

Gold does not send her a letter that month, the first month since she left Storybrooke that she has not seen a cream-colored envelope in the mail. Ruby sends her a letter in which she mentions that Gold has been snarling at everyone. Belle frets about it for far too long, writes an angry letter to Gold about how he doesn't own her and shouldn't act like he does, tears it up, and ultimately decides that if he's going to be that way, he can just be that way. She instead writes Gold a breezy letter about being in the chorus of Oklahoma! and resolutely puts him out of her mind. The week after that, she receives an extra-long cream missive. It does not mention John at all. It acknowledges that the letter is late, and stiffly, at the end, says that he's happy for her.

She grins. She's known Gold long enough and well enough to read between the lines, and to know that this is his version of an apology. Very well, she thinks. Apology accepted. From that time, she doesn't gush about John in her letters to him (although she does, to Ruby), but she also doesn't avoid mentioning him, either.

John asks her to marry him after nine months of romance, as they are lying out on the grass looking up at the stars. From the first month she has known this would happen. She welcomes it; finally she will be able to escape from the Enchanted Forest. Belle opens her mouth to say yes, and instead hears herself say, "I can't."

John looks at her, still holding out the tiny diamond he was able to afford on a grad student salary. "I don't understand," he says. "I thought we were on the same page about this."

"I thought so too," Belle says, tears pricking at her eyelids. "I thought you were the one. But I can't."

"Belle," John says, "please help me to understand. Is it that you don't want me to become an astronaut? Is it something else? Tell me. Let's work through it."

Belle cannot say, Because I can never, ever tell you that I am originally from a place where magic worked, because you won't believe me, or you'll think I am mad. Because you don't know what I did, and I can never tell you because you won't believe me if I do. Because you and I never put together a spell to doom a whole enchanted forest. Because I can't talk to you about the parallels between chemistry and magic. Because it's not fair to you if I have all these secrets from you.

John's hand drops. "At least tell me you love me," he says, and she tries, she really does, and the words won't come out.

"I'm sorry," Belle whispers. "It's not you, it's me. You are amazing. I hope you find someone who's worthy of you." Belle stares blindly out at the stars. "She's out in the universe, somewhere, I know."

*

Belle and Ruby don't often talk on the phone -- they're not really phone people, and their different schedules make it difficult -- but Belle calls her to tell her about the breakup. "What?" Ruby squawks through the line. "Belle, what were you thinking? He's super hot. He's nice. He's funny. What else could you want?"

"I can't talk to him about the Enchanted Forest," Belle whispers.

There's a silence on the other end. "Yeah," Ruby says finally. "Okay. That's hard."

There's another silence between them. "Belle?" Ruby asks. "Is there... is there anyone else? Do you want to talk about that?"

Belle says blankly, "Who else would there be?"

Ruby sighs. "Right."

In her next letter to Gold, she mentions briefly that she isn't seeing John anymore before she asks him about how he thinks what he knows about magical diagrams can be used for drug discovery. Later, she gets a letter from Ruby. Did you tell Gold you broke up with John? Ruby demands. Because he's acting practically cheerful, Belle. I don't think I've actually ever seen him look cheerful before. It freaks me out a little. He asked me when you're coming home. I told him I didn't know. When are you coming home, anyway?

She smiles at Ruby's letter, and then she scowls. She writes Gold that she is not coming home now, perhaps not ever, and that it's idiotic for him to wait for her, if that's what he thinks he's doing. She posts it before she has a chance to tear it up.

She takes a vacation to Madagascar. When she comes back, there is a cream-colored envelope waiting for her.

The enclosed letter is very short. Dear Belle, it says, I shall write more later, but for now, let me say this: of course, I'm sorry to hear you're not coming back to Storybrooke, and I shall take care not to expect you. I imagine, however, that both Storybrooke and I will survive.

As for your other comments, with all due respect, your choices are your own affair, and my choices are mine. I hope you enjoyed Madagascar. Love, Gold.

Chapter 3: Seeking
Belle quits her job, moves to California, cuts her hair short, trains as an EMT, and gets a job doing EMT work. Both Ruby and Gold seem confused by this, in their own ways. Ruby writes, What happened in Madagascar? Anything I need to know about? Is this a reaction to John? I thought you liked your job! Doesn't being an EMT pay far less? TALK TO ME, Belle.

Belle knows why Ruby is confused by what Belle has done. It is because all Ruby has ever wanted to do was run the diner, and she doesn't understand why Belle would leave one job for another, unless out of some sharp personal crisis, like the time Granny and Ruby had that tremendous fight. Which is odd, when she thinks about it, because Red never did anything like run a diner in her life, but Ruby has embraced her Storybrooke persona to the extent that she never talks about who she was in the Enchanted Forest.

Belle responds that no, it has nothing to do with John, and she had a lovely time in Madagascar, and yes, she did like her job, and yes, her old job paid more, she just felt that she needed to do something different, and she loves being an EMT.

Gold's confusion is quieter, but still present. He does not ask her why she changed jobs, and she is grateful he does not. His letters these days are, mostly, filled with discussion of Henry, who has become something of a fixture in Gold's life. Gold keeps trying to convince Henry that he's good at science, but Henry has instead decided he wants to be a writer, or a journalist, which means he is talking a lot to August, which Gold does not mind, and a lot to Sidney Glass, which Gold very much does not like; it's fairly common for him to refer to Glass, in his letters, as that hack or the man who thinks he can write rather than by name. (He does acknowledge, in response to Belle's amused question, that he does not actually call Glass those names in Henry's presence.) And he mentions that Snow and James have decided to live in Storybrooke again, to be nearer Emma and Henry. But he does, sometimes, ask her in his letters whether she's still doing protein-folding work, and she says no, but perhaps she will again someday.

One night, very late, she can't sleep. She tries to read books without success. She can't concentrate at all. She retrieves paper and a pen and sits cross-legged on her bed, chewing the top of her pen. She starts writing twice and makes nothing but an ink blot before the words finally come.

I never told you about the Ogre Wars, before Rumpelstiltskin came to save us, Belle writes to Gold. I stopped thinking about them, once I left Avonlea. I don't want to do that again. And she goes on: the knowledge of the men who were dying to try to protect them, the knowledge that, as her father's daughter, she was being exposed to only the smallest part of it, that she didn't really know about the slaughter in the fields, the men dying of infection; the bitter knowledge, at the end, that if Rumpelstiltskin did not come, that they would themselves die, or, at best, become refugees in a strange land. And the knowledge, too, that she doesn't quite know what to do with: there are no ogres in this world, no creatures made solely of destructive magic. That terrible things may happen here, but the Ogre Wars do not.

She wonders what Gold thinks about that. She's never talked about such things to him before, in either life. And in their letters she has never before written the word Rumpelstiltskin.

She keeps wondering what he thinks during the next month, when a letter from him does not appear. Perhaps she's scared him off. Perhaps he doesn't want to think about these things, or talk about them. She thinks that if this is the case, then, well, she doesn't want to talk to him either, but she still misses his letters. Misses him, she finally allows herself to think.

When the next cream-colored envelope appears in her mailbox, it is very thick.

Dear Belle, Of course, you have always been courageous. Dare I match you?

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Rumpelstiltskin, who had a wife and a baby boy whom he loved very much. This was during the time of the first Ogre Wars, and those who lived in a position of power regularly conscripted those who did not.

Belle almost drops the paper from fingers that are suddenly shaking. This, she knows, is Rumpelstiltskin's story, the story he has never told her, that as far as she knows he has never told anyone; perhaps the only way he could tell it was to write it as a fairy tale, something that happened to someone else, once upon a time. She reads, the tears falling down her cheeks, about how Rumpelstiltskin's wife left him for his cowardice, about Baelfire, about how Rumpelstiltskin became the Dark One, how Bae tried to save him from himself, how Bae was lost forever.

She writes him, I don't know what to say. Except thank you. And, I'm sorry. I wish there were more I could say. And, I think you are courageous.

And she tells him about being Rose. It was strange, she writes. I had the strongest feeling that something was not right, and yet, I would never have guessed the truth. I was frustrated because I thought I was not being the person I might have been, and yet I did not know that person, the person I should have been. I had times where I thought I knew something I could not possibly have known, and then it retreated again into my mind. I looked at you and my feelings were utterly confused, and I didn't know why. And maybe they still are, though at least I know why now.

His next letter does not have a salutation. It begins, Once upon a time, every day was just like the last. Sometimes, Rumpelstiltskin looked around Storybrooke, the way he imagined Belle would see it, and he knew the Queen had her revenge on him. Reading his story, Belle can see how lonely it must have been for him, the horror of being conscious of the same dreariness every day, unable to talk to anyone about it, Belle lost to him, Regina the only other real person in his world. Belle has always understood that what she and Rumpelstiltskin did to the inhabitants of Storybrooke, including herself, was a terrible thing, but now she sees that what he put himself through may well have been worse. And you still believe you're a coward, Rumpelstiltskin? she thinks.

*

Once upon a time there was a woman who tried to do the best she could, who was proud of herself when she could make a choice that would save others. But when there was a choice between two terrible alternatives, she fled from what she knew she had done, and then she knew she was not as courageous as she had always believed she was.

*

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Gold, and a woman named Belle, who had to leave because she was too honest not to admit that she needed to find her own way. He let her go, because that was the right thing to do, and he had learned from her to do the right thing. But he had never learned how to talk to her, and so he could not tell her how he felt about her leaving. And he was not able to admit, even to himself, how angry it made him.

*

Once upon a time, there lived a woman named Belle, who knew she would lose her memory. And then she got it back, and she felt betrayed by the man she loved, who hadn't lost his memory, even though she had known it would happen, even though he had been through hell and she only through the shadow of it. And then she felt guilty for feeling betrayed. And then she ran away. And she knew she was a coward and that what she felt didn't make any sense, but that only made her feel worse.

*

Once upon a time, there lived the Dark One, who knew that no one could ever love him. And when a young woman named Belle told him she loved him, far away and long ago in the Enchanted Forest, he might not have believed her. And even after many years, he could only tell her that he loved her in oblique ways, like in the closing of a letter or the description of a kiss, or by writing it in the middle of a fairy tale of what happened long ago and far away, because he was frightened of his feelings, because feelings do not always make sense. Because sometimes he didn't want to love her and open himself to the heartbreak it could entail.

*

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Belle, who loved the Dark One, and who knew he loved her, though he could not always say it. But she tried, for a time, to escape from her love for him. She told herself she wanted to see the world that had been kept from her. She told herself she wanted to be free. She tried to deny the way she felt. But she did not stop loving him, much as she sometimes wanted to.

She did not realize how hard it would be for him and for her both, and did not understand how long it would take her to come to terms with her love for him. But she loved him all the same.

*

Belle thinks that Ruby and August look exactly the same as they always did, when she picks them up from the airport, except that Ruby is incredibly excited, even more than she was at Belle's graduation. "So this is California!" she keeps saying. "Belle, I'm starting to see why you moved."

Belle smiles at her. "I still can't believe you actually took off for a week," she says. "I don't think you've ever done that before!"

"I'm taking time off now, and August and I are traveling, before we get married," Ruby says, grinning shyly.

"You what?" Belle exclaims. "Wait -- I'd almost given up on you two ever making it official!"

Ruby laughs. "We agreed not to, for a long time, because I didn't trust myself," she said. "But I think we've grown up some, now. We'll be married in the fall. I wanted to tell you that in person. And you'll come, right?" she asks, anxiously. "I want you and Snow to be my bridesmaids. And Emma says she'll officiate."

"Of course," Belle says, and hugs her best friend, her friend who has not let such a silly thing as a curse, as finding out her friendship is a lie, interfere with that friendship.

*

"Tell me all the gossip," Belle says. "How are Emma and Henry? And Snow and James?"

"Henry's got a girlfriend," Ruby sings out, clearly delighted to be sharing this piece of news. "Gretel, you remember her, Michael Tillman's kid, one of his twins, she works in the diner now after school. Emma keeps vacillating between being cool with it and being freaked out that her kid has a girlfriend."

"Not that Emma can talk," August puts in. Belle looks at him, questioningly.

"Um," Ruby says. "Well. Yes. There's that."

"Oh, so Emma's seeing someone?" Belle asks. She wonders if it's Gold. Surely Gold would have mentioned it in his letters --

"Yes, she and Regina are an item," August says brightly, and sniggers as Belle spits hot cocoa across the table.

"What?"

"Emma swears," Ruby says, "that it's just a, a what do you call it, relationship of convenience."

August shrugs and hands Belle a napkin. "Whatever. I don't believe it for a second. And that was one mighty involved kiss we saw, if you ask me."

Belle squeaks a little. Ruby says, "Yeah, it was kind of traumatic. Regina! And Emma! I know, I know, there are seventeen different things wrong with it. At least now that Gold's in charge of Regina's house arrest situation, it's not like Emma's directly over her anymore, which would have been really squicky."

August grins. "Even under house arrest, I wouldn't say that woman would ever allow anyone to think that she had power over her."

"Well, yeah," Ruby says. "But it would still look... really bad, you know? If anyone ever came poking around."

Belle says, "What does Snow think of it?"

Ruby grimaces. "That's the other thing. Snow was... not happy, of course. But Regina is still Henry's legal mom, so if Snow wants to see her grandchild... it's actually better in some ways, now; Emma kind of keeps Regina in line."

"And it sounds like Regina might actually be working out some of her issues with Snow," August adds, "which let me tell you, is a great relief to Henry. Speaking of Henry, do you realize he's some sort of chess genius? Right before we left, he beat Gold at chess, which I don't think anyone has ever done before."

She can feel Ruby looking at her, waiting for what she is going to say about this mention of Gold. "I, umm," Belle stammers. The letters she's been writing and receiving, and the increasingly intimate revelations she and Rumpelstiltskin, or Gold, have been exchanging, feel too fragile for her to talk about. She only thinks that she waits impatiently for each letter, and that she spends hours over each of hers, and that she suspects he does the same.

Ruby grins unrepentantly at her. "Yeah. And he jumps every time your name is mentioned. I seriously don't understand what's going on with you two, but whatever works, I guess."

August's lips quirk up. "Okay, that's enough gossip for me. I need my beauty sleep." He rises, collects his cup. "Besides," he says pleasantly, "if I don't leave you two alone, when will you ever talk about me?"

Ruby cuffs him. "August, I'll tell you a secret. When Belle and I are alone, we have better things to do than talk about you." He laughs and kisses her. Belle watches them, a little enviously. August nods cheerfully to Belle, deposits his cup in the sink, and disappears into Belle's bedroom, which she has ceded to the two of them during their visit; she'll sleep in the living room.

"So, anything else you haven't told me, like Emma and Regina, good grief, I can't get over that --"

"Join the club. We're all gobsmacked." Ruby yawns. "You know, you could just come back to Storybrooke, then you wouldn't need me to tell you everything. I don't understand why you've never come back, even to visit. It's not so bad there, really. It's not like you wouldn't be able to leave again."

"It's not that," Belle said, gazing out the window at nothing in particular. "It's that-- well, it's hard for me to face everyone. You know what I did. You know that some of the responsibility for everything that's happened is mine."

"Belle," Ruby says, so gently that Belle has to turn to her. "Sweetie. Is that really why?"

Belle nods, and then says, "Well. There are a lot of reasons, really. But that's the big one, the one I can't get over."

Ruby says, "You know, all of us in Storybrooke are moving on, or trying to. And what came out of it -- it's been better for most, if not all of us. I wouldn't go back to those days even if I could. But even if it wasn't better -- it's what we have now, and everyone's forgiven you." She smiles, a little sadly. "We've even forgiven Regina, mostly. Emma has, you can see. We're trying to put it behind us. You can put it behind you as well."

Belle says nothing, and finally Ruby gets up to put her mug in the sink, runs water over it. She pauses. "The last boy I loved, in the Enchanted Forest, I killed," she says to Belle without turning around, her voice wavering. Belle has never heard this before. She knows this is something Ruby isn't used to talking about, that perhaps she has never talked about, or perhaps only to August. "I didn't mean to, I didn't know what I was doing, but I killed him, Belle. You never killed anyone." She takes a deep breath and continues, "But I'm not that person anymore. You, and Rumplestiltskin, gave me that."

Belle comes up behinds Ruby and puts her arms around her friend. "Ruby. Oh, Ruby."

Ruby turns, and her face is wet. She smiles weakly. "I never cried for Peter, when I was Red," Ruby said. "I never could. Because I knew I might do it again, and then what would have been the point of crying for him?"

Belle guides her back to the table, and Ruby tells her about being Red: the fear of the wolf killing the cattle and the hunters, the tracking of the wolf with Snow, the deduction that Peter was the wolf. The shattering knowledge that the deduction had been incorrect. The sudden waking to a terrible, monstrous, destructive part of herself that she had not known existed.

Belle holds Ruby's hands and tells her about the Ogre Wars, about what it was like to design the curse with Rumpelstiltskin, about what it was like to wake from the curse and suddenly know what she had done.

And when August finds them at the table early the next morning and demands to know if they've been there all night, the two of them simply laugh at him.

Chapter 4: Beginnings
Belle calls Gold for the first time ever. It feels odd, strange, to hear the phone ring and to know that he is on the other side of it. He finally picks up the phone, saying, "Gold here," and the sound of his voice is so dearly familiar that she can't say anything for a few seconds.

"Hello?" he says, uncertainly.

"It's Belle," she whispers, and then clears her throat. "It's Belle. I just called -- I called to say I'm coming home."

There is a silence on the other end, and Belle has just enough time to panic before Gold says carefully, his voice very controlled, "Not to stay, though? It's all right, I won't waste away like a prince in a fairy-tale."

Belle says, "I do have a return ticket, I'll be coming back here, at least briefly, but -- but I do want to try. To make it work. With you. If -- if you still want."

There is a sound on the other end as if Gold has come close to dropping the phone. "I -- yes. I want. Yes."

"I love you. I know that's not enough, I know there are a lot of things we need to work through, but I think -- I think I'm getting through them. I think we could work them out. I think we could learn how."

Gold breathes out something that is not quite a laugh. "You know how I feel about you," he says. "I do agree, for what it's worth. I -- I'm not good at talking about things, as you know. But I'm trying to learn."

"If we had problems communicating, we could always write letters," Belle suggests.

This time Gold really does laugh. "Yes. Perhaps we should just plan on that."

*

Belle drives into town, parks at the diner. She will, she thinks, just check in with Ruby before she goes to see Gold. Part of her feels some odd trepidation about the final step of going to see him; she pushes it down. Just a minute at the diner to say hello to Ruby and Granny, she tells herself.

As she gets out of the car, Emma and the Queen -- Regina -- are just walking past, hand in hand. Belle blinks. Even having been told by Ruby and August, she feels it's a bit odd to see, when she's used to associating Regina Mills with -- well, not with anything good, like Emma.

"Um, hi, Emma! And hello, May-- Ms. Mills," she says. "Um." She tries to figure out a way to politely ask, Aren't you under house arrest, and doesn't that mean you're not supposed to be walking the streets with your girlfriend?

Emma can apparently read her mind, because she says quickly, "Belle! Welcome back! Regina and I are just coming back from her therapy appointment."

"Ah, Belle," Regina says, beaming at her. "I remember you. Rumpelstiltskin's little girl-toy, wasn't it? Have you come back to him to live happily ever after? He'll be ever so pleased."

Emma sighs. "Regina -- I think you could have phrased that a little, um, differently."

Regina turns to her. "Hey, I'm trying not to get in the way of people's happy endings. Like we talked about," Regina says, and although her voice is the same curt, arrogant voice Belle remembers, there is another note in it, a note of -- affection? "I feel like I'm doing a lot better, here."

Emma's lips quirk. "Yeah, that's fair enough. Belle, it is great to see you; we'll have to get together."

"Yes, we'll definitely have to get together," Belle says, and watches them go down the street, hand in hand, still a little disconcerted.

A car pulls up behind her in the lot, and she jumps. It is Snow, who gets out of the car and begins hurriedly, "Sorry for startling you --" She looks more closely at Belle. "Rose!" she exclaims. "Belle, sorry, I mean Belle. It's lovely to see you -- I almost didn't recognize you with short hair!"

Belle hugs her. "It's wonderful to see you too, Snow," she answers. "I heard you were living in Storybrooke again. How are you? How are James and the twins?"

"We're all good," Snow says; "Graham and Meg are two now, can you believe it? They're with James right now, but you'll have to come see them when you get a chance. Would you like to have dinner with us tonight? Henry will be there too -- I came to get him, actually -- when he's with Gold they both tend to lose track of time."

"I -- might be busy tonight, but I'd love to come see you guys," Belle begins, and then: "Gold's with Henry at the diner?"

"Yes, they get together and talk about chemistry and chess after school once or twice a week," Snow says. Her lips quirk. "I suspect, mind you, that part of it is an excuse to hang out with Gretel as well, in a way that Emma and Regina can reasonably concede is helpful to his schoolwork, but what can you do? That's the thing about children growing up; they get their own lives, and you have to live with that, if you love them."

"I, um," Belle says, wondering how to phrase this delicately, "saw Emma and, um, Ms. Mills. Right before you showed up."

Snow's fists clench, very slightly. "Yes, well," Snow says lightly. "You see what I mean. But Henry and Emma both love her. I suppose that's how it began, at the start, that they both loved Henry. So that's one thing." She starts pushing open the door to the diner.

"The other?" Belle asks.

Snow pauses. "Regina took away my child and my grandchild once," she says with deliberation. "I will be cursed six times over before I let her do so again."

They enter the diner. It is the same, but also all different. There are posters and pictures on the walls of exotic locations. There is a foosball table jammed in the corner. Gretel -- and when did she grow up? -- is taking orders, and Ruby is toting up numbers on the register, looking professional and almost severe. Belle had known, when Ruby visited, that she had grown up and changed in many ways, but now she realizes that the changes have been even more than she thought. She realizes that some part of her thought everything in Storybrooke would remain the same, even while she was changing and growing.

Snow is silently laughing. "Now, I didn't know Henry had talked Gold into that," she says. "Payback for the chess Gold is subjecting him too, I imagine. Well, I suppose I can wait until they finish the point, at least."

Belle follows her gaze to the foosball table. A tall lanky Henry and -- and yes, Gold -- are making their way to it. Her heart seizes up at the sight of him. Everything in Storybrooke is different, and so is he. His hair is shorter. He is thinner, almost gaunt, and she wonders what sort of toll these years have been taking on him. But his voice is still the same. But he is still the same. He is still the man she has loved, all these years, the years she didn't know who she was, the years she was finding out who she was.

Gold hunches over the table and gives Henry an evil smile. He proclaims, "Proud and insolent youth, prepare to meet thy doom!" And her heart clenches again, for the expression on his face is so wickedly gleeful that it reminds her irresistibly of Rumpelstiltskin-who-was -- but yet transmuted, made benign, by some alchemy of time and spirit and will. And community, she thinks, looking at all the familiar faces around her; for the first time, she wonders if Gold hasn't had the better of the two of them, staying in Storybrooke. No, she thinks; both paths brought us here, in the end.

"Dark and sinister man," Henry says cheerfully, with an almost identical copy of Gold's gleeful grin -- and oh dear, when did his voice turn to that lovely baritone? -- "have at thee!" And then they are off, in a joyously noisy tangle which does not last too long before Henry scores. "You did know that Hook didn't win, right?" Henry asks, and then they're both laughing, a sight that warms Belle in ways she hadn't known she wanted.

And then Ruby sees her. "Belle!" Ruby shrieks. "You're here! You came! Oh, wait until I tell Granny -- she'll be so excited -- " Ruby runs to Belle, gives her a hug; blinks, grins, and then pushes her forcibly towards Gold, saying, "I'll be right back."

Belle laughs helplessly. "Ruby!" she protests, but the commotion has gotten Gold's and Henry's attention, and they are now looking in her direction. Time stops for a moment while she and Gold only look at each other, and then she is racing towards him, and he is hobbling to her as fast as his knee will allow.

"Gold," she says. "Rumpelstiltskin. Gold." She puts her arms around him.

"Belle," he says hoarsely. "Rose. Belle." And then her lips have found his, all the emotions and events of the past four -- no, thirty-two -- years, poured out in the kiss, in the way they are both holding each other, as if the other might vanish if they let go.

When they break, gasping, Belle starts, "I --" and Gold puts a finger to her lips. "No. Wait. Let me. Belle. I -- I love you, Belle." He exhales, as if he's done something terribly difficult.

"I love you too," Belle says. "We'll figure out a way for this to work, yes?" They sit down. She cannot take her eyes off Gold, cannot stop smiling; he too has the happiest look on his face that she has ever seen.

Gold reaches for her hand. "Yes," he agrees. "I've thought of nothing else since your call."

"Well, that and foosball," Belle says mischeviously.

Gold smiles. "And that. I don't know, I didn't think to ask, whether you'd want to stay here in Storybrooke, or whether -- California is a bit of a commute, you know, I've yet one more year I must stay in Storybrooke. Our good Sheriff said five years, for my sins. Though perhaps she'll give me time off for good behavior, you never know --"

"And if I promise to make sure you don't get into trouble," Belle teases.

Gold draws in a shuddering breath, clutches her hand more tightly. "Yes."

"I have to give notice," Belle says, "pack up -- but then, yes, I was thinking I might stay in Storybrooke for at least a little while. But I was thinking -- I would like to apply to medical school, I think; then I could do clinical and research work both. I think I'd like that. We could come back to Storybrooke, after, or somewhere nearby. If we could work that out --"

"Yes," Gold agrees, "I do think you would like that. I'd be willing to move with you, if Emma agrees -- I hear contract law is in demand, these days -- I'd prefer to stay somewhat close until Henry goes to college, but we could work that out. Or, or, if you were able to stay in Boston, it's not that far, we could make that work. And if I left, I'd have to find someone to look after Regina's house arrest, now that dear Sheriff Swan has rendered herself ineligible by her conflict of interest. Abigail, now that she's back from law school, she'd be able to do it, and young Frederick would help as well -- "

"Only you two," Ruby remarks, "would start discussing logistics at a time like this."

"Yeah, what is up with that?" Henry says.

Belle grins at them. "If you say so," she tells them. She is perfectly happy. It is not happily ever after, she knows; she still remembers Gold saying that life is too marvelous and strange for that. But they can have happiness, she thinks. If she chooses it. If he chooses it. If they choose it together.

And she leans forward to kiss him again.